for all of the times...

It's not easy for me to explain why Stanford and not Kellogg or Haas. I did quite a lot of research before I started my applications. It was enough research to know that the schools on my list had enough of what I needed across the board to help me become a better leader. So beyond small perks that make one school slightly more attractive than the other, I felt good about a future at all of them, and that the program offerings, by and large, were more than sufficient at all of the schools.

Some compelling and not-so-compelling factors in my choice:

1. If I went to Kellogg, I'd be going alone. My husband is closing the deal on a major career move that would mean that his research could continue to be on the cutting edge of his field, and he could afford to pay the mortgage, too. I wouldn't want him to pass that up for two years at a day job, which could be potentially disastrous at this pivotal point in his career.

2. I probably will end up staying in the Bay Area in the long term, so a Stanford MBA would give me an edge in that regard.

3. It turns out that I value a small school environment over a big school environment, even though that means a smaller network. I think this is the one thing I understimated when I was applying to schools--that it would make such a difference in how I felt. I tend to like the independence of finding/going my own way. Something about being herded around in Evanston made me feel like one of very many instead of some one special whose might be missed if she weren't there. I guess this explains why I've chosen to work in small companies instead of big ones!

4. I have a lot of good memories at Stanford, and they came rushing back when I opened the red binder and read the acceptance letter, then again when I set foot back on campus as a prospective student. Even holding hands with my husband and walking on the Quad to church was nostalgic. The last time we did that (prior to admit weekend) was on our wedding day.

5. The way the GSB talks about itself, its goals, its values, and (yes this is corny) what matters most fits me just right. It's aspiring to do great things, and so am I, and somehow I feel like I can contribute more.

So perhaps this is not the most rational and clear-cut of reasoning. It's what I've come up with so far, though, and it comes down to my gut.

Edit: the title of this post is a reference to the admit folder I received as a Stanford undergrad. I still have it. It's a simple light brown folder with words scrawled all the front and back of it. Somewhere in there was "....For all the times you stayed up late to get it right...." then it said something like "we salute/thank/congratulate you." It was a little thing like that personal touch then and a personal touch now that have made me believe that I'm going to the right place--the one that fits me.

I'm all in

It's weird. I finally made up my mind this week, but have been putting off sending the notice to the school I'm declining. It's like it's hard for me to let go the part of me that still wants to go there and maybe I secretly believe I can attend them both. Maybe I'm mourning the image I had of myself bustling about Chicagoland, wind on my face.

So I guess that means I should've pushed all my chips to the middle of the table and stood up like they do on televised poker tournaments. But I found myself lurking on the forums, talking to people who remain hunched over the green felt and are still very much in the game. Some seem to be wearing shades so that you can't see the truth in their eyes, while others--though their chips appear to be down--are energized by the challenge and seem intent to win the very next hand and walk away with the whole pot. Unlike poker, at the end of the day, it's not winner take all. But it is how you play your hand. Which is, I guess, why it's become a spectator sport: and, to extend the metaphor, why I still lurk on the forums on a daily basis. I'm a sidelined old veteran in less than a year, and a spectator to boot.

Although I will probably continue to hang around the forums, at least I can say that it's done.

The deposit has been sent to Stanford, and I finally let the Kellogg daydream go.

I was all in and out of the game a while ago, but I guess I am just now getting my butt up from the table.

working on it, and finally back to working

So I'm still working on my decision, but think I'm pretty close.

The good news is that I'm productive at work again! There was a time when I couldn't focus or get anything done. Now I'm getting things done again, though not at the rate I once did. I think part of the challenge is that my job is still relatively new to me and I'm used to working under more tense, pressure-cooker environments. Basically used to the boss at my shoulder and lots of deadlines as my motivation to accomplish things. So it took some getting used to figuring out my own thing.

Anyhow, will check in about my decision soon. Looks like there is some movement from the financial aid offices, so it should be soon.

Oh, I guess one update is that I declined my Haas offer.

how I decide

So I've come up with a strategy to decide on the action plan for the next two years:

How I decide:
Be honest with myself.
Honor the person I want to be.
Do a lot of quiet thinking about it.
Work hard to keep an open mind.
Do more quiet thinking.

not a waste

Well, I withdrew my application to Yale a coupla weeks ago. It became less feasible over time. I began to doubt my candidacy at some point, partly because the husband couldn't find a job there, and partly because I received positive feedback from other schools more quickly. By the time I received my invitation to interview in New Haven, the feasibility factor had become way low. The timing was also a little iffy because I had to babysit a project at work. So I called and emailed to withdraw my application.

I haven't told my recommenders. The good thing is that they are, for the most part, the same folks who wrote for other schools so there was very little additional work involved. 'cept for one. Maybe I can gloss over it somehow.