Tuesday, October 10, 2006

here i am

So here I am. In the basement in the MBA lab. Now that I've figured out my schedule, I'm trying to figure out my life. Not sure what to do. I seem to be a bit gunshy lately: hesitant. tentative.

It's like me to be tentative, but right now I'm kinda having a crisis of confidence. Since the summer, I have thrown myself into one experience after another. If I am honest with myself, that throwing myself into one experience after another began around age 13 and continues to today. Only now, I feel fatigued. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm not as happy as I ought to be. I'm wallowing a bit, and it's not like me to be like this quite as I am now. And I realize that I need to hold myself accountable and figure out why it is so hard for me to sit still; why in conversations I turn the spotlight on the other person and avoid what about me talk; why there are two piles of laundry on my bedroom floor, and uninstalled window coverings I bought a month ago in the corner of the family room. I have started to lose things at home: my train of thought, my cell phone, my white tennis shoes. It is not a big place, and yet I still am losing things.

This week I am clearing away the clutter from what I actually care about and want to really do. Before that I was setting up a routine and getting used to it. Before that I was getting lost in reflection in Touchy Feely. Before that I was giving my dad a hard time about his unfinished PhD. And before that I was in Boston. Recently I have been paying more attention to when I do that thing where I get pulled in many directions and I enjoy the challenge of just staying afloat.

Enjoy is an overstatement. More that I love the challenge of making it all work. Only the problem with that is that I don't fully commit to and do any one thing very well. And I want to do that: do one thing--possible a few things--very well. So that means no more mourning about not being the better person I want to be: the one with all that stamina.

Better to figure who I am now, and what I need to be good at standing quietly in one place, turning my face to the sun, and knowing which direction to go.

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