here i am
So here I am. In the basement in the MBA lab. Now that I've figured out my schedule, I'm trying to figure out my life. Not sure what to do. I seem to be a bit gunshy lately: hesitant. tentative.
It's like me to be tentative, but right now I'm kinda having a crisis of confidence. Since the summer, I have thrown myself into one experience after another. If I am honest with myself, that throwing myself into one experience after another began around age 13 and continues to today. Only now, I feel fatigued. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm not as happy as I ought to be. I'm wallowing a bit, and it's not like me to be like this quite as I am now. And I realize that I need to hold myself accountable and figure out why it is so hard for me to sit still; why in conversations I turn the spotlight on the other person and avoid what about me talk; why there are two piles of laundry on my bedroom floor, and uninstalled window coverings I bought a month ago in the corner of the family room. I have started to lose things at home: my train of thought, my cell phone, my white tennis shoes. It is not a big place, and yet I still am losing things.
This week I am clearing away the clutter from what I actually care about and want to really do. Before that I was setting up a routine and getting used to it. Before that I was getting lost in reflection in Touchy Feely. Before that I was giving my dad a hard time about his unfinished PhD. And before that I was in Boston. Recently I have been paying more attention to when I do that thing where I get pulled in many directions and I enjoy the challenge of just staying afloat.
Enjoy is an overstatement. More that I love the challenge of making it all work. Only the problem with that is that I don't fully commit to and do any one thing very well. And I want to do that: do one thing--possible a few things--very well. So that means no more mourning about not being the better person I want to be: the one with all that stamina.
Better to figure who I am now, and what I need to be good at standing quietly in one place, turning my face to the sun, and knowing which direction to go.
It's like me to be tentative, but right now I'm kinda having a crisis of confidence. Since the summer, I have thrown myself into one experience after another. If I am honest with myself, that throwing myself into one experience after another began around age 13 and continues to today. Only now, I feel fatigued. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm not as happy as I ought to be. I'm wallowing a bit, and it's not like me to be like this quite as I am now. And I realize that I need to hold myself accountable and figure out why it is so hard for me to sit still; why in conversations I turn the spotlight on the other person and avoid what about me talk; why there are two piles of laundry on my bedroom floor, and uninstalled window coverings I bought a month ago in the corner of the family room. I have started to lose things at home: my train of thought, my cell phone, my white tennis shoes. It is not a big place, and yet I still am losing things.
This week I am clearing away the clutter from what I actually care about and want to really do. Before that I was setting up a routine and getting used to it. Before that I was getting lost in reflection in Touchy Feely. Before that I was giving my dad a hard time about his unfinished PhD. And before that I was in Boston. Recently I have been paying more attention to when I do that thing where I get pulled in many directions and I enjoy the challenge of just staying afloat.
Enjoy is an overstatement. More that I love the challenge of making it all work. Only the problem with that is that I don't fully commit to and do any one thing very well. And I want to do that: do one thing--possible a few things--very well. So that means no more mourning about not being the better person I want to be: the one with all that stamina.
Better to figure who I am now, and what I need to be good at standing quietly in one place, turning my face to the sun, and knowing which direction to go.
posted by tiy at 6:22 PM
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