coming to grips
I woke up this morning to a call from DB with the good news! Stanford had admitted me, and according to the looks of the online package tracking system, the admit binder got delivered this morning, too.
I was quite anxious all day yesterday, and couldn't get any work done from home. So I sat and refreshed the BW forums and called myself to make sure the phone was working. Talked with my manager (only actual work done). And heard news of The Call from all over the world. In a somewhat twisted way, it felt a bit like when they track Santa Claus on the news all day on Christmas Eve. My general happiness for everyone else's good news was balanced only by a growing despair that I might not get a call. And I became more anxious and obsessive than I've been in a long while. It was worse than waiting for The Call on March 17 and tracking Evanston's decision process prior to that on the BW forums. Bad enough that my eyes were bloodshot and I was pretty unbearable to be around. Imagine a ham actor, let's use William Shatner as an example, repeating Hamlet's famous soliloquoy from Act 3, Scene 1. "To be, or not to be..." over and over and over again. Then try to be my husband, in the office trying to do a job search of his own. That's when those vows we took come in most handy.
Then at some rather late point in the day, I got a call from a second year student at Kellogg, congratulating me and offering herself as a resource. And I remembered that I was already truly fortunate and wonderful schools that are a fantastic fit for me had already checked in with their decisions. Wasn't the point, after all, to go to a fantastic school and gather resources that will help me impact the world in a meaningful way? Further inspection revealed that my anxiety was not so much about the decision itself, but about the need for the validation of being accepted.
I hadn't realized that I had gradually become this ugly and petty part of myself. The part that keeps score. The part that wanted my dad to have something to brag about. The part that was rejected from graduate school 6 years ago that now wanted to see the score settled with the University. How ridiculous and small.
So, after that, I closed the BW forum and went about cooking dinner, for once (I had been existing on Henry Weinhard's black cherry creme soda and root beer, sour gummy worms, and s'mores with marshmallows toasted over my electric stovetop), and finally dismantled the tower of dishes in the sink. And I let the dam* thing go. It's a wonderful feeling to let yourself do something dam* else than what you're used to.
This morning, when I called my dad to share the new good news with him, in reply to my comment that my mom wanted me to call him directly so that he would have something to brag about, he chuckled a bit, and said, "I've been bragging all along."
I was quite anxious all day yesterday, and couldn't get any work done from home. So I sat and refreshed the BW forums and called myself to make sure the phone was working. Talked with my manager (only actual work done). And heard news of The Call from all over the world. In a somewhat twisted way, it felt a bit like when they track Santa Claus on the news all day on Christmas Eve. My general happiness for everyone else's good news was balanced only by a growing despair that I might not get a call. And I became more anxious and obsessive than I've been in a long while. It was worse than waiting for The Call on March 17 and tracking Evanston's decision process prior to that on the BW forums. Bad enough that my eyes were bloodshot and I was pretty unbearable to be around. Imagine a ham actor, let's use William Shatner as an example, repeating Hamlet's famous soliloquoy from Act 3, Scene 1. "To be, or not to be..." over and over and over again. Then try to be my husband, in the office trying to do a job search of his own. That's when those vows we took come in most handy.
Then at some rather late point in the day, I got a call from a second year student at Kellogg, congratulating me and offering herself as a resource. And I remembered that I was already truly fortunate and wonderful schools that are a fantastic fit for me had already checked in with their decisions. Wasn't the point, after all, to go to a fantastic school and gather resources that will help me impact the world in a meaningful way? Further inspection revealed that my anxiety was not so much about the decision itself, but about the need for the validation of being accepted.
I hadn't realized that I had gradually become this ugly and petty part of myself. The part that keeps score. The part that wanted my dad to have something to brag about. The part that was rejected from graduate school 6 years ago that now wanted to see the score settled with the University. How ridiculous and small.
So, after that, I closed the BW forum and went about cooking dinner, for once (I had been existing on Henry Weinhard's black cherry creme soda and root beer, sour gummy worms, and s'mores with marshmallows toasted over my electric stovetop), and finally dismantled the tower of dishes in the sink. And I let the dam* thing go. It's a wonderful feeling to let yourself do something dam* else than what you're used to.
This morning, when I called my dad to share the new good news with him, in reply to my comment that my mom wanted me to call him directly so that he would have something to brag about, he chuckled a bit, and said, "I've been bragging all along."
posted by tiy at 1:05 PM
3 Comments:
Congrats! When you let the petty BS type stuff go, good stuff comes your way :)
that's amazing. Good going!
Thank you for the congrats.
A christian friend of mine who's been familiar with my application process and daily woes put me on alert on Tuesday that she was going to pray for me that God's special plan for me would be revealed. I must admit, it's getting harder and harder for me to call myself atheist when the powers that may be keep handing down these lessons!
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