wear sturdy comfortable shoes

from my fingers

2006-12-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

what's on my mind right now:

i have to somehow get my winter greeting cards out this year. i found the perfect card, but it is pricey, so i'm trying to get excited about a cheaper alternative. not sure it will happen.

i'm turning 29 in january. january is next month.

i have a lot to journal about in my official journal for my high performance leadership class. a lot.

but i have no finals, which means i get an extra week in my break. maybe that means i can accomplish more.

is there asbestos in the popcorn ceiling in my family room? i will get it tested.

we rocked our presentation on thursday. the learning i'm getting from my d.school class is again, more and different than i expected. i'm actually finding more links to my hpl class in this one and my strategy of tech class than i originally thought i would. it's great when things come together, but also frustrating because i feel like i am experimenting with new behavior all the time and others on my team are not. so it's exhausting and i'm tempted a lot of the time to fall into my regular habits. this past week, i got fatigued and shut down more than i would have liked. trying to stay the course at that point put me too far outside my comfort zone.

going home for christmas. need to book a ticket.

my knees are cold.

Post Script: I just looked at my last blog post. I installed the window coverings. With L. Both sets. And yesterday we hung all of the pictures on the walls. Maybe not in the perfect perfect place for all of them, but they are up. And 80% right is much better than 100% no data at all. The two prints my mom and I framed together 15+ years ago had been sitting on the floor for the 3 years since we painted the guest bedroom. Strategy class has taught me that implement and see is better than sit on it for the longest time, plan until it hurts, and hopefully get it 100% right the first time. I guess the d.school class helped, too, since it's better to prototype--and rapidly, too--than not to prototype.

so how do I balance measure twice, cut once with implement and see?

here i am

2006-10-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

So here I am. In the basement in the MBA lab. Now that I've figured out my schedule, I'm trying to figure out my life. Not sure what to do. I seem to be a bit gunshy lately: hesitant. tentative.

It's like me to be tentative, but right now I'm kinda having a crisis of confidence. Since the summer, I have thrown myself into one experience after another. If I am honest with myself, that throwing myself into one experience after another began around age 13 and continues to today. Only now, I feel fatigued. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm not as happy as I ought to be. I'm wallowing a bit, and it's not like me to be like this quite as I am now. And I realize that I need to hold myself accountable and figure out why it is so hard for me to sit still; why in conversations I turn the spotlight on the other person and avoid what about me talk; why there are two piles of laundry on my bedroom floor, and uninstalled window coverings I bought a month ago in the corner of the family room. I have started to lose things at home: my train of thought, my cell phone, my white tennis shoes. It is not a big place, and yet I still am losing things.

This week I am clearing away the clutter from what I actually care about and want to really do. Before that I was setting up a routine and getting used to it. Before that I was getting lost in reflection in Touchy Feely. Before that I was giving my dad a hard time about his unfinished PhD. And before that I was in Boston. Recently I have been paying more attention to when I do that thing where I get pulled in many directions and I enjoy the challenge of just staying afloat.

Enjoy is an overstatement. More that I love the challenge of making it all work. Only the problem with that is that I don't fully commit to and do any one thing very well. And I want to do that: do one thing--possible a few things--very well. So that means no more mourning about not being the better person I want to be: the one with all that stamina.

Better to figure who I am now, and what I need to be good at standing quietly in one place, turning my face to the sun, and knowing which direction to go.

hand in the door

2006-07-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm getting off the T the other day, and got in the way of a fellow trying to dive in the train. I'm leaned forward and my mind is on tackling the stairs to the street, and I see the crestfallen expression on the dude's face. The trains are somewhat mysterious here. There's no schedule posted anywhere near the platform, and no warning that a train is coming or leaving. Just a sort of rhythm that you get the hang of after a while. It's about 10:30 at night and I see his crestfallen expression. So I did the thing that people do on the elevator: reached back and stuck my hand in the doorway. The doors give my wrist a two-sided karate chop--hiYAH!

I grimace in pain and shake out my hand, force a smile to smooth the stranger's suddenly worried brow, and continue onto the platform. To my right, I see a harried commuter who had rushed toward another doorway, but missed it by a half second or two. Shoulders slumped, she meandered down the walk. The whole exchange was a 2-second interaction.

On my walk home, I notice that the karate chop broke the skin. Not a lot, but enough to make me wonder how it will feel the next day. And I wonder: if our roles had been reversed, would a stranger have stuck his hand out for me? In this town where I'm sometimes struck by the impersonality of everyday public interaction, learning terms like "massh0le," "unprovoked niceness," and "unsolicited greeting," would anyone have seen my crestfallen expression and reflexively stuck a hand out for me?

There's no moral or real point to this story, and no pretty bow to tie. But more than not these days, I find myself wearing my managerial hat. "The conversion of the pay systems on the T could certainly be managed better; regular announcements and signage could improve the customer experience significantly, and would be a very cheap solution." "Is the culture here genuinely different than it is where I'm from, or is it my impression alone? What's driving my perception and who can I talk with to get another point of view?" "Is risking my well-being for another person the right thing to do? What risky options are better than others?"

I just got past the halfway mark in my internship, and am getting involved in a really cool collaborative process. Still working on practicing new habits, and very much enjoying the process and time to reflect on how I'm experiencing my internship. A good friend came up to visit me this weekend, and we had a great time not restraining each other from the guilty pleasure we share in common. So my pockets are a little lighter now, but I finally stocked up on an emergency supply of correspondence cards and foldover notes. I packed quick and light for my trip to the East Coast, and stationery didn't make the cut. And after 15 years of knowing him, I found out that he is my Starburst counterpart (he likes the 2 flavors in the standard pack that I do not like, and vice versa).

In other news, I'm doing a really cool volunteer project with one of our portfolio agencies, and get to visit a place called Troy, NY at the end of this week. And the weekend after that, L is coming out for our 4 year anniversary. He has been going pretty hard at work lately and my IT infrastructure is not the best here in my apartment, so we haven't had a lot of chances to talk without the call dropping. The timing is great because he will have just returned from a vacation to Asia, so he'll have lots of photos and adventures to share. Can't hardly wait.

no big deal

2006-06-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

So I've been away for a while, and so much has happened. Going underground is great for taking time to figure things out, but journaling helps me remember where I was when--.

First year is done. It's so done.

Now my summer internship has begun. I'm currently in the Boston area. And prior to my internship, I don't think I spent more than 72 hours on the east coast at any given time. I'm living and working in Cambridge, which seems to be a nice place to hang out and see people. Late at night, people pepper the squares and go from this bar to that restaurant to the ice cream shop over there. Much different from Palo Alto, where the world shuts down around 11pm. Here, the bookstores are open later, and the major city is a couple of ten minutes away on something called the T. Not quite as sexy as the El back home, but it gets the job done.

Recently, I was in New York City and somehow found myself without a place to sleep on a Sunday night. So I called L's dad, and got hooked up with an uncle who's lived in Brooklyn for 39 years. Imagine coming from a small island (and the smallest country in the W0rld Cup this year) and landing in NYC. The bigness and intricacies of the subway system alone were enough to make me say "whoa." But he came and picked me up on the train, and I got to meet a new relative who apparently hasn't seen L since '94 when some of the W0rld Cup games were in the Bay Area. The uncle asked me if I was married to the big one--L--or the little one--his younger brother, l. I never really knew what it was like to be regularly known in someone else's context until a few weeks ago. L spoke at a commencement ceremony, and at some point, his brother l and I went to get a DVD of the ceremony. When we revealed our surnames, the guy behind the window (having just observed the ceremony) asked if we were related to L, and then marveled that someone as accomplished as L would have time for a wife since he was so busy with research and education.

In business school, despite being humbled by the bigness of the challenges ahead, all that you learn and how much you grow, there is still this sense that you are a Big Deal. At GSB, the rhetoric implies that we're on a mission to Change the World. Ideas are powerful--execution: key. And I believe the rhetoric. Every gorramn word of it. But I digress. Sometimes I forget that the roles that we play are not implicit. They are often explicit and well-defined. People are round. And I don't mean rounded rectangles that seem to be all the rage in web design and computer desktops these days. I mean really and truly round. That is, I am and can be a Big Deal in one context, and a very small one in another. And that's as it should be. Somehow, thinking through this concept of the roles people play will help me figure out how to be a better communicator. I'm convinced of it.

But anyway, so I'm on the East Coast. It's hot as you know what and humid besides. I'm walking to work as much as I can, which is doing wonders for the old ticker and wallet. I have no TV. But my place is gorgeous, in a great spot and close to everything, and my wireless connection is fast enough to impress me. And I'm living the semi-single person's life since L's back home. I'm 28 years old and this is the first time I have lived alone. So it should be interesting.

My first week on the job was motion from day 1. As far as first weeks go, mine exceeded my expectations. I am in a cohort of one other intern from another business school, and a full-time hire who just graduated from a b-school here in Boston. And we're expecting one new dude on Monday who's an executive MBA type. I met him: he's cool. What I like about the first week and the organization in general is seeing how the hairy process of high engagement investment in growing social impact organizations actually happens. The company is highly collaborative; the work intellectually stimulating, and there's a sense that we're working on something bigger than ourselves or our immediate mission; the people are nice and easy to talk to; and the processes flow toward goals being set and work getting done in a timely fashion. Interns and new people sometimes slip through the cracks the first week. But here, I'm pretty well set up on the paperwork side of things, I've met with my manager more than once, met with others on the teams and projects I'm working on and everyone in the firm and people in power who partner to support the organization, gotten started on my first two projects, had some time to reflect, understood the firm's priorities and where I fit in, seen both intensity and laughter, and produced something tangible and relevant. Some of it was deliberately planned, and some opportunistic (our first week coincided with a planned dinner for the whole team, board members, and signficant others).

A really neat week. So I have to keep the momentum going and make sure to overcommunicate. It could be an ugly situation to go off strong in one direction, and have it be 25% to the left or right of where I am supposed to be running. I tend to like to tinker and think through quite a lot, and collaborating with others, especially early on, will help me cut through the scut work/logistics more efficiently so I can spend more time on the stuff that makes or drives impact or value for the organization.

One thing, though: this no TV is peculiar. Now that I actually have time to watch TV, I am forced to Get a Life instead. Which I could use help with, so I may have to meet my neighbors or find a running buddy pretty soon. Stand by.

balance

2006-04-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

So I've set a goal for myself this quarter: balance. It's not a SMART goal. It's not a particularly interesting goal. But it is my goal, nonetheless. I've been working on a few things over the last few months. One is my personal strategy. Those who have taken the core strategy course would know what I mean. The basic thrust is having enough focus to know what's for me and what's definitely not. This focus would mean knowing what to reach out and grab, and what to leave on the table. A second is structure. I've been struggling to organize myself efficiently, and am starting to do a better job at it. A third is authenticity. This means being my authentic self in interpersonal interactions, and integrating the personal and professional personas that I present to the world. Another aspect of this is being honest with myself about what's important, and doing my damndest to be real with myself about what it means to honor that.

I'm working on getting the right rhythm, figuring out how to make space and time for those things that require some of both, and sticking to it. This means, in a lot of cases, giving some things up. And I'm getting to the layer of giving up that's the hardest to get past because it means challenging some habits I've had for a long time. Like procrastination. Even writing it down hurts a little. The great thing about the internet is that once you write something down, it's there forever, somewhere in a cache or a server.

by the phone

2006-03-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

So I've been having an odd experience lately of seeming to wait by the phone. Partly this is because my service provider has not cleared up a bug in the system that causes the phone to randomly choose not to ring. But there is also the other part: I am waiting for it to ring. I am waiting for news and closure on several matters, both on the personal and career front.

I am beginning to see the tide turn, and beginning to recognize the value I bring to this environment. It was hard at first, since my experience is not something that's particularly valued in the classroom. It's often not directly relevant to what comes up in core classes, and I've been challenged to draw the links by myself, for myself. But I'm starting to notice that my connections can help people, too, and my experience is still worth a damn somewhere in the world. That I'm creative and I can make a way, and that matters. Well, at least here I'm considered creative. In my old job, we all were because we had to be. We had to fix stuff or jerryrig it because stuff was often broken and we mostly didn't have the standard tools or the time for lasting fixes.

Which is why I'm waiting by the phone on the career front. I'm hoping to get "the call" for a great internship on one hand, and expecting to receive phone interview initiation calls on the other. There are enough interesting and engaging opportunities to explore for the summer that I feel optimistic that I am finding the right mix of fit and chances for development and exploring new areas.

I realized that the tide was turning while actually sitting in an interview. I have been branded a career-switching poet and been liberally patted on the head since I got here. But I went to an interview where the other person could readily see the directly relevant value of my previous experience. It was a little jarring. I'm so used to psyching myself up to exude confidence and draw the lines for my interviewer that I was unused to the other person drawing them for her/himself. It felt so peculiar that I actually had to fix my face. There's some learning to be gained out of this, and I'm not sure exactly what, but I'll no-doubt have plenty of time to think about it when I'm not studying for finals.

In other happenings, I'm excited to be departing for a service learning trip to Brazil this week. This trip comes at a difficult transitional time on the home front, but I hope it will all work out.

the L word

2006-02-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

So I'm getting to work with people a lot more this quarter. I got on the study group bandwagon on day 1, and it has really made a difference. Learning to work well with diverse teams was something I really wanted to improve on when I came to school, and now I am getting a chance to do something about that learning goal.

Not sure how much I've blogged about it before, but I am in this program put on by the center for leadership (and blah blah blah, not sure exactly, but it's called CLDR, I think) since the beginning of school. It's had ups and downs. Working with the same group of people over time means that you have to resolve your differences, and learning all this stuff about how to give each other feedback all the time means you kind of have to be straight up with people, too. There's a bit of cache associated with being in the program, since most people apply, but there're only about 70 of us this year, and we're all in the same section for our organizational behavior and strategy classes. Our teachers like to throw around the word leader all the time to make us feel like we are somehow different from our classmates who are not in it. Sort of like Oh the Places You'll Go, but without the rhyming.

But I do find that I think about leadership (that's the L word, by the way) a lot more than I otherwise would. I think about what it means, how to be good at it, and what the bad kind looks like. I think about the value I bring to a new situation, how can I contribute, and how can I help the group function. I think about ways to experiment with what I do to break out of old habits and old ways of thinking, just like Mrs. Stanford would have liked. And even though it can get incredibly uncomfortable, I find that it's a defining part of my transformative experience thus far.

Recently, a classmate of mine went looking for the L in the leadership program I'm in. Our activities have begun to focus on a consulting project our teams are doing with social entrepreneurs leveraging technology. Sometimes, it does feel that we are going on a random walk (sorry, carryover from finance class). The linkages are not often apparent, the content is sometimes just plain huh? But I've begun to think of it in a different way. Somewhere between when we started and now, we went from being consumers to producers. What do I mean? I originally expected to sit in a chair, have the top of my head flopped open like one of those free water bottles companies are giving out these days, and just sit there while the leadership stuff just got poured in. But we are not empty vessels. There is no beanstalk in the sky, and these are not magic beans. It's confusing and often ambiguous, and sometimes there's no clear direction at all.

For lack of a less trite way of putting it: I think the L is in each of us. It's the way we approach new situations, what we do to make systems work better, and how we share what we're learning with other people. If we are to become the titans of industry that business schools expect us to be, should we not begin by taking ownership for ourselves and our own learning?

No answers yet for me. Still mulling it over. Meanwhile, I've been working on two cool projects this week. One reminds me of back in high school when we had to be parents to a boiled egg (I guess now, they're using sacks of flour "babies"). Interesting to see how other folks work. The two dudes in my team are very attentive parents. Me: not so much. Note to self: get in touch with maternal instinct.

growing up micro

2006-01-24T22:51:00.000-08:00

So I talk about myself being very detail-oriented. I call it comfort with, passion for, experience handling--whatever. It's what I've had to do for the majority of my career: deal with a lot of details a lot of the time. Calm my managers with my sheer mastery of the small stuff. And I'm challenging myself to be less obsessed with micro (said details) and more mindful of the macro view.

I just passed my first active test. About and hour and a half ago, we closed the book on a fairly large event. It wasn't a whole lot of people, but it was fairly large in scope and involved different audience stakeholders. I found myself tamping down the urge to dive in to a minute by minute program. I didn't even make a spreadsheet.

Well, actually, that's not exactly true. I made one spreadsheet, but it just had names on it, no "6:32-6:38 Blah Blah Blah" type of my usual handiwork. I was responsible for one major area, and I did a bang up job, imho. I made sure that area didn't have a whole lot of opportunity for micro level scheduling detail. It was the best thing I could have done. It was an experiment my coach and I talked about some time ago. What would happen if I didn't do what I usually do--if I didn't play the role I usually play? How would the team function? How would it make me feel? I know that I felt darned uncomfortable. But I tried to think about it like I think about planning a wedding: as long as two people end up married by the end of the day, you can call it a success.

It was great. It really was. I'm proud of us, and I'm proud of the finished product. And I'm starting to trust in the process of transformation.

when I'm not skiing

2006-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

So it occurred to me that I am not skiing. I had thought about it since I used to do around this time of the year. Instead, I came home. Not that apartment-in-the-city-esque Schwab home, but one of the several homes where the heart is. This is the one where the husband is. It's nice: being home sometimes. The daisies are starting to come back, but the camellias continue to refuse to bloom. The onions that L was so excited about somehow lost the underground part and became just roots and stem, so instead of regular sweet onions, it's more of a green onion story. Sometimes, I don't know where I fit into the household anymore, since I'm home only once or so a week. Do I just pick up whatever chore? Or am I still fully responsible for things? I spent Saturday getting things that were broken fixed--like my favorite sunglasses and interview shoes--and shopping for things that I had been meaning to pick up--like long sleeve t-shirts. When we went to visit Kellogg, they took him away for a whole day of education about where to find everything in the local area and how it was his duty as the non-student to support the Student during this intense period of activity. That orientation has made a world of difference. I've spoken with several SOs who've said they would have loved to have had that.

Anyway, work on the job front continues. People continue to submit their applications to school, so I've had some interaction in that direction, too. Weird. How long ago that all seems. I guess, no matter how big the fish in your pan are, there are always bigger fish to fry. Always ever-more competitive environments to compete in or goals to achieve. Always more interesting places to go over holiday weekends.

Time to turn to homework, at least for a while.

chocolate butterflies

2006-01-13T15:47:00.000-08:00

So I was walking to Schwab today. And I happened to be walking from a direction that I don't usually go. I was walking from Escondido Village. I was taking in the afternoon and the breeze. I just passed a tree with a metal tag on it, and was reminded of how the University keeps track of all of its trees. It knows how many trees there are on campus. I had hear this stated confidently, so I was pondering whether it was a rumor, or was it plausible.

Anyway, so I was walking, and I saw a brown butterfly with wings the color of chocolate syrup with a butter yellow edge. It caught wind here and there, and meandered past me. And I thought, how good is it to be alive and enjoying the beauty of a butterfly in the afternoon? See, that's the difference between autumn and winter quarter. Autumn quarter, there are no butterflies--just mandatory things. Winter quarter, so far, is all about choice. Sure, there are core classes. But these are classes I might choose to take, given the choice. And I can choose to take more classes. Or get more involved in clubs. Or take on a group project. I could shadow an alum in a job function I want to investigate over spring break. Or, I could apply and maybe get accepted into the new Brazil service learning trip. Are you friggin kidding me? This is on top of all the career choices that are being presented at the same time this quarter. So many choices. So many people to talk to about them all. So much opportunity.

So now I am at a bit of a crossroads. I can enjoy the sun and the exploration and the pondering. Or I can get cracking on the job front. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to do both.

this close

2005-12-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

I am *this* close to being done with finals. Yep. One more to go. A take-home exam, no less! So, why can't I put a word down on paper? I don't mean a filler word to take up space. I mean one that actually means something.

This quarter, I've spent about 20 hours either sitting for an exam or working on one at home. So the next 4 hours to push this last one out the door should just breeze by.

Yep. Any time now. Breeze by.

knight to C4

2005-12-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

So I officially passed my first class. This is a pretty major milestone for me, given that I wasn't sure about that particular class. It was like a trick: a HA! What you've been studying the whole time is not what you need to know to do well on the final! checkmate.

Yesterday while I was studying for the statistics exam, I learned something new. I don't mean I learned something new about statistics--there was a lot of that, which is a bit disconcerting considering I had a final on the material this morning. I learned a new term,

"knight to C4."

It was what L said when H and I were on the verge of solving something. Where we were just one move away from taking over the place. I have had a lot of knight to C4 experiences, it seems. There is what you learn. Then there's what you're tested on. Then there is what you need to know. And there is wide gap between the three. It is a continual process to narrow the gap, where appropriate, and accept the span as a characteristic of the system, where appropriate.

The intensity level has ratcheted down some serious notches. Now, it seems that one still does need to study, and there is still lingering anxiety associated with wanting to do well. But there is no fear. We are here. And here we will stay until it's done. We are paying for this discomfort: this education. So what of failure, then? What of it. There is learning and eventually a chance for redemption in a failing grade, too. I think I finally get what they say about grades don't matter. To the extent that they tell you how much you need to prove to pass the challenge and show you how much there is to know, they do. To the extent that they prove what you've learned, they don't.

I am finally beginning to cash out and take to the bank some of the promises that were made that I would meet amazing people and have amazing experiences. The picture doesn't look like what I thought it would look like, but it's there all the same.

In the rest of the world, life goes on. It was a beautiful day today. L is sick, and went to bed before 8pm, and other people around me are coming down with similar ailments. One of the Unions at Stanford went on strike this morning. California is planning on killing Tookie at San Quentin tonight. My parents have conceived a brilliant entrepreneurial idea--my mom called to tell me about it. One of my friends got a job offer he was waiting for. Someone I know asked his girl to marry him.

Have been very reflective overall today, and pretty unreasonably mellow, considering that I am officially in the thick of finals week. On the last bit of happy news from above, though, I read a piece of writing tonight that I had forgotten about. It's called

The Prophet "on Marriage"
by Khalil Gibran

on the difference between sticking and standing out

2005-11-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to be too quirky? Quirkiness makes you memorable, but does it make you lovable?

I'm learning here that I need to tame my natural eccentricities. It seems to be OK to have interests--everyone has those. But I've always thought of myself as a little odd. Maybe it comes with growing up awkward, funny looking, left handed, and tall. Maybe I'm still growing up.

We're getting more group assignments now, and I find that I have to work very hard to self-regulate in small group settings. In large group settings, I have all my filters on, so I do fine. Chit chatty networking sessions and company functions and dinner parties: fine. And one on one, I can connect with people. But in these smaller group settings where we're a group that decides to call ourselves a team, I find that I'm often the odd person out, and it's feels weird to have this sensation so often. I've spent the majority of my career working in small teams, and I thought I did a pretty decent job and could be good at it in the future. Now it's all sharp edges and dissonant notes. Not the blues notes that fall between the regular ones on the board, but the ones that stick out. And I gravitate toward other dissonant notes. So I'm OK at shallow and I'm good at deep. It's this sticky stuff that's in between that is the concern. It's not quite professional, but not really social. And until I get to know people better, it's damn uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself that I should be more nice and less in my own head. And I've been working on listening harder, too.

L never seems to have any trouble blending in. People who meet him (unless he's playing basketball) remember him as a very nice person, even if he doesn't really say anything. For years, I've been studying how he does it, and I still can't manage to get my arms around it. One could argue that he is a nice person, and that's why he exudes niceness. There's more to it than that, though. So far, all I've figured out is that I have to listen harder, brood less, and get out more.

Now that's we're nearing the end of the quarter, I find that I'm able to open my mind up to more things and more activities. I'm not running ragged from one thing to the next as I began to in the beginning, but I am doing more with the time not spent in the classroom. Yesterday, after weeks of frustration and inertia, I finally understood the process and framework behind what we do to model things in Excel. And it wasn't because I went to office hours or reread the lesson. It was because one of my classmates explained it to me, and we worked through the midterm together. Had I reached out better before, I could have enjoyed much less heartache. It is said (at least, it was said in a letter to first years that has been passed down for umpteen years) that poets have a taller mountain to climb. I'm not so sure that it is true of poets in general, but it has been true for me in modeling class, and I guess it will also be true in the case of succeeding in these small group work project settings as well.

can't stop crying

2005-11-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here trying to buckle down and do my Modeling assignment that's due in the morning, and my mind is wandering and I can't focus and I realize I should stop pretending that everything is OK. Someone important to me passed away last week, and I will have to accept it at some point.

Today I walked through my classes and tried to appear to pay attention to the teachers and the people who were doing what we do after we leave and come back after a while: catch up. And I did my best not to burden other people with my grief. That's one of the things about being here. I am among busy people I don't know well who don't know me. There's a robust social aspect to school, but for me it still is and feels much like a workplace environment. To share something like this in a face-to-face interaction would mean a socially correct pat on the shoulder, a five second pause, then immediate departure. Can't be known as the person who burst out in tears in the middle of OB class.

Writing seems to help. Crying does, too. It's the remembering that hurts the most even when it makes me smile. The last time we spoke--and it's been a while since we spoke--he was working on a paper about the ritual of celebrating in the end zone after a touchdown. And I remember I wasn't surprised. He could be lecturing on political uprisings in Kenya one moment, and writing a paper about how black folks feel about their hair the next. I remember sitting in his office thinking about how long he must have been a professor here to have such a nice office, earnestly telling him about the stuff I was trying to figure out with my college studies. And he would ask me questions. Didn't offer much in the way of pointing me in a certain direction or drowning me in the names of people to call, as professors can. Didn't seem to get too riled up about the crises of electives and study abroad in my undergraduate education. He just offered me an open door, a comfortable chair, and a real mellow chat. And I will miss him.

so far so good

2005-11-11T19:49:00.000-08:00

Today began the Net Impact Conference hosted by GSB. Already my mind is clicking. That's definitely a good sign. We've got a project to do for one of the core classes, and just thinking about what problem we could explore for the project makes me think about a lot of other ways to apply the same skill framework.

Some folks are looking for trouble tonight, so I may tag along. Sometimes I feel so old because I get sleepy more than I used to. Hopefully a nap will remedy for a few hours so that I can go out.

foundation in education

2005-10-31T18:01:00.000-08:00

So I've been looking for signs in the universe to give me a hint about what I should be doing and how much I should be worrying about academics. Yesterday, I found one. In the middle of the night, I went over to someone's room to have midnight coffee cake, and on my way back, I found a quarter on the hallway floor. It is a 2004 Iowa quarter, and the slogan on the back is "Foundation in Education" and it has a picture of a little schoolhouse on it. It reminded me that once upon a time, I was excellent. I knew it because the Iowa Tests told me so. Now, I am not so excellent. But the Iowa quarter reminded me that I have a foundation in education--I used to know something once upon a time. Somehow this made me feel peaceful. Like, even though my midterms won't say that I'm excellent, I used to be, and that is enough. These days, I just want to learn as much as I can without losing all dignity through complete academic failure.

I could count the number of us on one hand who dressed up for Halloween today. I guess most everyone else had already partied over the weekend and gotten it out of their system. Me, I like to celebrate the day itself regardless of what happens before: raid my closet and slap together whatever I can find. This year, I took a few branches off of the faux tree in the dark corner in the family room, put on my nightgown, and called myself a woodland nymph. The downside of homemade costumes is that they can very open to interpretation since the low/no budget prevents absolute clarity of form. So I was assumed to be a muse or healing goddess. Eh, close enough. Much closer than the year I dressed as a pimp, and was assumed to be a rice farmer or that dude Raiden from Mortal Combat. One year, K and I dressed up as shadows of our former selves. Most folks thought we were just depressed.

I am not able to be home to pass out candy this year. But L is passing out chewy granola bars on our behalf. Just like candy in terms of nutrition, but with fiber, too, so they're slightly better than pure sugar.

So, two midterms are out of the way, and I have two more to go: one in the morning, one on Wednesday morning, plus one final for a half quarter course on Wednesday. Then I'm done for the moment and free to figure out how to get it all done for the rest of the term.

Meanwhile, I am working to stick to my guns and not get caught up in activities that don't fit the bill of what I'm really interested in. It's tough, and sometimes I just want to hop on the next bandwagon I see. The last bandwagon was the opportunity to enhance my MBA with a joint Master in Education degree--it only takes a few more classes. The application was due today, and I resisted the urge to hop in with two feet. I made a list of priorities at the BBSA retreat, and since I committed to a handful of activities (both school and other) up front, I've been trying to keep my eye on what's most important to me, and then just promise myself I'll keep an open mind about the rest.

music

2005-10-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

studying for midterms on a Saturday night. where did my youth go?

the good news is that I finally hung my pictures on the wall and I got a free one year yahoomusic subscription through the University. won't say I have the best taste, but I'm working on it.

http://launch.yahoo.com/lc/?rt=0&rp1=0&rp2=1843944900

would love to hear what others are listening to as they study or work or whatever, so please comment and share a yahoo music link to your station, if so inclined.

weird thing

2005-10-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

weird thing just happened. wouldn't publish. hope it's fixed now.

the red cape

2005-10-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

I guess I go from feeling completely overwhelmed and questioning why I'm here to feeling extremely fortunate. There's something about not being able to do all that I want to do that's incredibly frustrating, yet somehow liberating at the same time. I compare it to the feeling of clearing out one's desk: filing away the 20% of papers that are important, and chucking the other 80%. Those things that exist on the margin are the majority of the frustration.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about an idea I call the little red cape. It's not fully formed yet, so I can't really talk about it in definite terms. But it has something to do with viewing a past experience, and recounting it as one where you swoop in wearing a red cape and change everything for the better. It gets more interesting when that same experience is reframed as one where your red cape is not so much draped across your shoulders, but hanging from your fingertips in front of the leadership of an organization. In that way, you end up leading management to rush at problems that aren't necessarily there, then in another direction and another. I dunno how I got to be so cynical. Eh.

on synthesis

2005-10-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

A lot of information is coming at me from different angles.

First, it's the email. These days, it seems that 8 out of 10 messages (somehow, not 4 out of 5, since they only seem to arrive in batches of 10 or more) offer the opportunity to get involved in something or other. The other 2 are comprised of either an FYI of some sort or a reminder of something I probably didn't need to be reminded of because I put everything in Outlook.

Then, there's other people in general, especially in the hallway conversations. Standing at the computer terminal, or sitting in the library minding my own business, and somehow end up talking with somebody about something interesting. I randomly got a Modeling tutor yesterday because I was lamenting the dearth of tutors to the guy standing in the next kiosk.

OK, next comes Coursework. Assignments show up in course materials, schedule, wherever is handy. I searched for review sessions the other day, finally gave up, then contacted the TA only to be directed back to a place I thought I had looked in Coursework. aaarrggh.

Last, but not least, there're the effing syllabi. They all have different formats, emphasize different things, and are wont to be more dissertation than summary of the class.

So, today, while I'm supposed to be working on reading the Eli Lilly case for D&D, or doing my Econ that's due tomorrow, too, instead I finally gave up on trying to keep it all in my head or just consulting 6 syllabi each day. So I'm shunning people all this afternoon, I'm trying to figure things out, and I've spent the last 2+ hours making a work plan. Others have done it, which is how I got inspired. Of course, their formats weren't as deluxe as mine, so I had to make my own. I'm almost done.

The good news: Soon, I'll be able to look at the whole rest of the Autumn Quarter on one page. What joy to be able to plan out my life around my work with ease!

The other news: Soon, I'll be able to look at the whole rest of the Autumn Quarter on one page. That means that I will realize that I don't have time for Board Fellows or any other neat thing I wanted to sign up for. Loose before, the shackles of academics will become just barely moveable tight. Somehow, I had convinced myself that it could be done, and I would do it. Now, I'm thinking, what the--? I went to Student Life today, and heard myself saying that I was going to have too few extracurriculars. Me? No job and no extracurriculars? Apart from threeish existing commitments I made before I started school, I'll have nothing until next quarter.

I must say, though, having a lot to do does make me honest about what's important since I kinda need to cut away everything else. I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and sign up for Board Fellows anyway. Like I said, I'm almost done, but not quite, and looking at my workplan and realizing that somehow it will all get done is akin to that feeling I get when I stare directly at the sun: my eyes hurt and I can't look directly at it, but I feel kinda powerful. Standard wisdom might caution against trying doing it at all because it could cause permanent damage.

So this is what I signed up for. And agonized about. And wrote about and revised my writing about. I keep asking people who have been through it how bad will it get before it gets better. And they laugh at me. They all laugh at me. And then they reminisce about the good parts. And when I remind them about my question and ask it again, some finally admit to not knowing quite how bad it gets, but knowing for sure that it will get much much worse.

I'm not going to the Halloween Party. There, I said it aloud and that alone makes it so.

I will probably still apply to Board Fellows, but only to the orgs I'm really passionate about. How's that for a compromise? There really is something fascinating about looking directly at the sun. just can't resist. This school wouldn't be a consistently amazing experience if people threw up their hands and cried to the moon. So I'll miss FOAM, and the Halloween Party, and House, and Study Trips, and maybe also being in a WIM group, and being a Siebel Scholar, and part of a Career Team, and a few business plan competitions, and a few parties here and there, some lectures, Admissions Advisory Council, and a few hours of overrated sleep...

Tuesday: NOT the new Friday

2005-10-04T19:18:00.000-07:00

So I've heard more and more that Tuesday is the new Friday. This is supposed to be because we don't have classes on Wednesday.

Of course, I love the idea of this because it means that I can potentially watch both House and Nip/Tuck on the nights that new episodes premier.

The downside is that it just isn't true. I should be working 60 hours a week. That's the median number of hours worked for MBA students. Right now, I'm on the low side of that number when, according to how much I currently know and should be learning, I need to be way on the other side lacking balance and losing sleep. Right now, I'm running at about 50, and I feel like a total slacker. I hope that once I get a feel for what it really takes to be good, that I can do that. I don't want to be "meh," and I don't aspire to being great just yet--right now, I just need to be good.

Btw, it is NOT advisable to stay up and watch House and Nip/Tuck, no matter how appealing it may sound. I don't have cable in my room, and therefore don't have Tivo, either, so I either have to watch it live in the lounge downstairs or wait until the weekend and watch it on ReplayTV back home.

half past 1

2005-09-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm half past week 1 of classes here. I am currently sitting in my room in the dorm procrastinating the stuff I need to get done by tomorrow. I already feel that I am out of my element. People are so different when they're not all the same. So I've been doing my best to at least make a neutral impression.

I already have a good sense of the classes that will kick my behind: modeling and econ. For some reason, I've decided that the statistics class, euphemistically referred to as "data and decisions," will not break me. Had to draw the line somewhere. Else I'd be crying in my beer right now.

Slept for 12 hours the other night. Not completely sure why, but it felt good. I've been trying to adjust to the schedule. Maybe it's because I went rafting this weekend on one of those organized trips with my classmates. Even out there, I didn't stay up past midnight. My classmates, on the other hand, have really been living it up. Rewind back to frosh year of college for a minute and imagine people overdrinking, overlaughing, and overconnecting with each other. Yep, that's it. But that stuff seems to be subsiding a bit as we get into our classes and begin to freak the f*c* out about how much we need to learn.

Being away from home is somewhat of a strain, and I miss my 3 hours a night of television and my bed. I also miss L, but I get to see him around midweek and on the weekends and would rather not talk so much about that part of this experience because it will make me homesick. I get to see my real bed about once a week, and the rest of the time get to sleep on the yoga mat they call a mattress in Schwab. Pretty hard to believe that my real home is only an hour away--it seems like much longer sometimes. I wanted the total immersion experience, and dagnabit, I think I'm getting it.

All that said, I can't help but feel extremely happy and fortunate and that I'm in such a rare place in time and space. It's a bit surreal, actually. Hard to explain but others here seem to be able to instantly relate to it. But there's plenty to keep our minds off of the real world. For example, I signed up to get more info on a bunch of clubs today. I made a log of the clubs I was interested in, those I signed up for, and how much they cost. Looks like I have the potential to spend over $200 on dues alone. I purposely came without my checkbook so I could sign up, get info, and decide later after I get myself buried a bit in work whether I want to fully commit.

Anyway. I've got several assignments with my name on them, (actually, they're just blank forms at this point since I haven't started them yet.) , so I'd better get back to them.

what I need to know

2005-09-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I last wrote.

This is partly because I changed my DSL provider, which somehow meant that I was on dial-up for about a week. In this day and age, it seemed pretty preposterous. So where I would normally just get a feeling and sit down and write about it, I was forced to dial in first, then wait for pages to load, or simply give up after a while. It was worse than waiting for the microwave to cook a thawed burrito. At least with the microwave, you know that it'll all be over in 45 seconds. With 37 kb/sec, there was no telling when or if a page would load. But I'm back on broadband now. Interesting how taking something for granted doesn't feel like it until you don't have it anymore. Joni Mitchell never lied.

Another reason I haven't written is that I haven't felt the urge. When I first started this blog, it was because I felt compelled to write. There was so much running around in my head that I had to get it down so I wouldn't lose it. I never was a person who had a journal, but my sister told me that it was good for the soul, and I think I know now what she meant.

A final reason has been that I haven't been moved up to the student section in the league of MBA bloggers, so my blog has gone unnoticed and uncommented, so I haven't feel the pressure to respond to anything specific.

So I'm back, and the good news is that it's because I again feel the urge to write. Maybe I can blame it on Steve Jobs. I was rereading his commencement speech last night, and thinking about how plainspoken it was, and effective. Mind you, I am not the type of person who sits around reflecting on speeches on a Friday night. I had been to the BBQ hosted in the dorm, and found myself in the lobby. Fortune magazine happened to be on the coffee table. The dorm itself also helps me be still and think. Who knew architecture could have such an effect. Probably architects and designers, but certainly not me. The building is an architecturally important one on campus, and I originally thought it was a bit of hoity toity nonsense. Now I have a different opinion because I am personally impacted by the thoughtful and deliberate design. There's this big concrete ball in my courtyard, and everytime I look at it, I think of something one of my coworkers told me she learned that she lives by. See the ball. Be the ball.

It got me thinking about another plainspoken piece of prose I had read and reread countless times -- my MBA essays. It's kind of shameful to admit that I reread my essays. Mainly Essay A. My husband can't stand or understand it. I didn't understand it either until last night. I'm only admitting it aloud now because one of my classmates says she does the same thing, so at least I am not alone. It also got me thinking about why I keep going back.

Here's what I figured out. It's because that essay is the one place where I've summed up what I live by. What compels me to wake up every day and do whatever it is I do after that. It's the lessons my parents taught me, and bits and pieces of other stuff I've picked up along the way. So when I need inspiration or a way out of something that's bogging me down, I go back and get recentered.

Which brings me to why I felt compelled to write today. The DSL came back up last night *blessed Internet* and I got up early this morning and began to write down in a text file list the lessons I have learned, the phrases I live by, and the things I need to remember. I pulled out Essay A and thought about other things I had been reflecting on recently. The lessons come from every direction. Amazing that it has taken me so long to begin putting them right in front of me.

The list is not broken out in any way. Incidentally, I was reading an interview with Craig Newmark the other day, so perhaps I was influenced by the structure of craigslist in the early days: just a list of helpful information. My list is a working document, and it's much shorter than my essay. I either want to begin posting my lessons as they come on a wall, or keep them on cards in a bowl. Gotta be a medium where the list is immediately accessible and organic.

Was also clearing out the house the other day, and came across my old Norton Anthology. Discovered a new favorite, and dwelled on a few old ones. Here are a couple:

On His Blindness "When I Consider How My Light Is Spent," John Milton
Tichbourne's Elegy "My Prime of Youth Is But A Frost Of Cares," Chidiock Tichbourne

background check

2005-07-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

forgot to report: my background check is complete!!! As of yesterday. Glad it's over.

black canvas bags

2005-07-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from the Bain & Co. open house in New York. Before that, it was the MBA JumpStart event in Chicago. And before that, it was the MLT Citigroup Bootcamp in New York, too. And I now have a set of black canvas bags with various logos on them. It's funny, my roommate at JumpStart warned me that I might get more than a few logo'd black canvas bags. And now I have three.

In addition to the bags and various other company freebies, I also have a better understanding of two of the more popular post-MBA careers--investment banking and management consulting--several others, and a sense of where I could see myself in two years. Just as I thought I could chill for a minute and catch my breath after the whirlwind of research, campus visits, and applications, I see that it is all beginning again. With the first University bill only two weeks away, I am having to choose my events carefully to conserve what few duckets I have available to spend. But I find that I am able to find focus already by seeing a broad view of the lay of the land. And while I am endeavoring to keep an open mind, I am also finding that the plan I wrote about in my essays is still a good plan. What a novel concept: to set out to plan to do what you planned to set out to do.

It's a safe bet that I won't pursue investment banking. A good friend has been trying to convince me that the temporary sacrifice is worth the vast financial rewards, career options, and knowledge gained. It doesn't fit me, though. I can tell. I like having some semblance of a life, and the prospect of seeing my husband from time to time, not to mention family and friends. The lifestyle doesn't pass my hit by a bus test: if I'm hit by a bus tomorrow morning, would I be happy with what I did with my life today?

It's also a safe bet that I will pursue management consulting. It's corny to admit it, but working on a case makes my heart beat faster. It's probably part anxiety that I don't know what I'm doing. The other part is that I care about the outcome and want to figure it out. Sort of like exercise, and reminds me of what learning feels like.

I could also pursue HR or general management. HR was always a fun part of my job, and a few firms seemed to have some good opportunities there, too. I also want to explore Management Associate rotational programs; these seem to be a good way to get to know a business from various angles fairly quickly.

Some of the firms I have met through recent travels: Lehman Brothers, JP Morgan Chase, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, Banc of America, McKinsey, Bain, Booz Allen Hamilton, The Boston Consulting Group, CSFB, UBS, and Morgan Stanley.

walk the talk

2005-07-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

So it seems that things are moving along. Background check should be coming to a close, and I'm supposed to be getting cracking on studying before heading off to math camp. Financial aid is even fairly close to getting completed. After the initial sticker shock, the husband is back on board.

This seems like such a selfish time -- half of the time, all I can think about is what's next, what comes after that, when can I finally make the change. And it's a time when I can't really afford to be so selfish. My little sis is staying with us this summer, and she's going through the same math books I had to review for GMAT prep. She's getting her quant up to speed because she's fallen behind. And I've tried to be as helpful as I can. Helping her get settled into our household; trying to design programming that fit her needs and personality; helping her define some goals for each day, week, and month. And she's doing well. She even managed to walk on to the swim team at the local club. L couldn't be more pleased about that. The nostalgia when we pulled out his old Santa Clara Swim Club cap nearly choked the oxygen from the garage. She's been hanging out with me at work, and even helped me get a proposal in the mail under deadline. I've been finding myself spending my time arranging for her growth. And somehow, not doing my work for my calculus class. Or doing enough at my job, where I'm mercifully part-time now. Since I can only muster up enough energy to work part of the time, it seemed to be the right thing to do. And I get to hire an intern to build the website I've been complaining about at work for at least 6 months.

This setting an example stuff is important. If she can get up at 6 am to do math, go to swim practice, spend hours studying at home, then be ready to work in an office in the afternoon, why can't I? I read a child development article recently about teenagers and what to expect. One point that I took away from it was how important it is as an adult to align what I say with what I do. Dam* but it's tough when I'm internally conflicted and trying to find enough motivation to make it through the week at work. I've gotta find a way to walk the talk. As Big Daddy Kane once scowled, "ain't no half-steppin'".

In other news, I was sad to find out recently that Luther Vandross passed away. I spent a New Year's Eve some years ago at his concert with L and an old friend, and remember thinking how talented he was. And funny, too. What a show it was. May he rest in peace.

stretch

2005-06-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

While working on my husband's computer yesterday, I noticed a new feature pop up on the screen. It's a piece of software that pings me to get up and stretch after so many minutes on the computer. So I got to thinking: is that why I'm going back to business school--to stretch before I go back to work?

reserving the right

2005-05-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

Why is it that Stanford seems to like to reserve its right to rescind my offer of admission? I can say that it likes to do this because I've gotten, not one but, TWO notices reminding me that it can. The first time was back in 1995--I still have the letter. It said, we notice that you appear to have senioritis, and it's messing up our numbers. We don't appreciate the fact that you've turned into a total slacker. Knock it off, or we'll rescind our offer of admission.

My guidance counselor was pissed--how dare they! And to one of her students? I had to talk her down and make her put down the letterhead. She was ready to rumble. To take it outside. The truth was, I hadn't been slacking off (well, at least not any more than any of my friends). After I got my first admit, I did start traveling with a pack of cards in my back pocket. But I was still working pretty darn hard--even taking some risks with my academics and going outside of my comfort zone. Hence the B- that sent up the flag. But I kept that letter.

I received the second one just recently. We're routinely verifying your application. We don't think you're a con, but if we find anything adverse, you got some 'xplainin' to do, and quickly, too. And if we're not satisfied, we want you to remember that we reserve the right to rescind our offer of admission.

I wonder why the University thinks I need this particular reminder again. How many times do they have to remind us not to lie? It made me feel guilty, and all along I thought I was innocent. But I double-checked my AY application to be sure. I hope I'm right.

finally got it together

2005-05-11T18:45:00.000-07:00

So I finally got my act together with my recommender/champion/supporter gifts--so many wonderful people to appreciate. I dropped the first package off today, a few are boxed up and ready to drop at the post office, and the others are suited up for personal delivery. I even prepped the husband's gifts, since his recommender thank you's coincide with mine. Much like finalizing my list of recommenders, choosing gifts for them was a challenge. I surfed the internet to find good ideas. Found some, then realized that I didn't have $90 to spend on each one to get the pear-in-a-bottle brandy I had never tasted. Nor could I afford an engraved Space Pen for each one.

My recommenders seem not to be interested in frills. Perhaps that's why we get along so well. One of them, though he denies it, caused me to coin the term "sentiment felt, and appreciated." Some years ago when we worked together, the office gave him a birthday card. He graciously thanked the person who handed it to him and read the comments aloud in her presence, pausing here and there to smile. Then, after the gift-giver turned the cubicle corner, he tossed it in the recycling bin. I gasped -- how could you throw away a greeting card? He shrugged at me. Eh, it was nice, but if I take it home, it'll just take up space and clutter my apartment. The important thing is that I appreciated the gift and the thought behind it. Now that I have, why keep the card?

It made so much sense to me: sentiment felt, and appreciated. Since then, I've endeavored to give consumable, palm-offable, or regiftable gifts. When I was in college, I started to fly home for Christmas almost every year, and it was then that I began to give small gifts so that they'd fit in my luggage. I admit, on rare occasions, I can't resist buying a big son-of-a-gun. One holiday season, I fell in love with one of those globes made of precious stones from CostCo. I couldn't really afford it, and the box was huge and unwieldy. My parents loved it. But that's the exception these days and not the rule.

So I give gifts with regifting and sharing with friends in mind. Sometimes I use really nice containers so that they can use the gift and then reuse the container. And when I receive cards, I evaluate them critically to see if there are any interesting parts that I can cut out and use to make new cards. Or phrases I can crib. I used to get frustrated with my husband because he used to drag me with him to the grocery store to spend more than half an hour searching for the right birthday/mother's day/father's day/wedding/anniversary card. Now I stock up on blank note cards, trinkets, stickers, and interesting images from cards I've received and make my own. I keep a few new baby gifts and bottles of gourmet olive oil and wine on hand in case of emergencies. And I've found that I really enjoy giving gifts now. I used to enjoy just wrapping them nicely, but now I embrace the whole process--the theme, the card with a heartfelt personal sentiment, and the thoughtful and appropriate gift packaged with care.

So for something so momentous as my recommender gifts, I had to think long and hard. I thought about what I like, and what they are like; the looks on their faces when they opened the packages. I looked to my gift cabinet for wrapping inspiration. I found the perfect note card. I thought about the theme: thank you. OK, I needed something more than that. Thank you very much..? I sought the wisdom of trusted advisors -- and finally got a fantastic idea. It wasn't my idea. But I love it, and who said I had to come up with all of the good ideas myself?

The gifts are prepped and ready to go, and they will be out the door by the end of this week! Only then will I be free to start my pre-term assignment.

for all of the times...

2005-04-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's not easy for me to explain why Stanford and not Kellogg or Haas. I did quite a lot of research before I started my applications. It was enough research to know that the schools on my list had enough of what I needed across the board to help me become a better leader. So beyond small perks that make one school slightly more attractive than the other, I felt good about a future at all of them, and that the program offerings, by and large, were more than sufficient at all of the schools.

Some compelling and not-so-compelling factors in my choice:

1. If I went to Kellogg, I'd be going alone. My husband is closing the deal on a major career move that would mean that his research could continue to be on the cutting edge of his field, and he could afford to pay the mortgage, too. I wouldn't want him to pass that up for two years at a day job, which could be potentially disastrous at this pivotal point in his career.

2. I probably will end up staying in the Bay Area in the long term, so a Stanford MBA would give me an edge in that regard.

3. It turns out that I value a small school environment over a big school environment, even though that means a smaller network. I think this is the one thing I understimated when I was applying to schools--that it would make such a difference in how I felt. I tend to like the independence of finding/going my own way. Something about being herded around in Evanston made me feel like one of very many instead of some one special whose might be missed if she weren't there. I guess this explains why I've chosen to work in small companies instead of big ones!

4. I have a lot of good memories at Stanford, and they came rushing back when I opened the red binder and read the acceptance letter, then again when I set foot back on campus as a prospective student. Even holding hands with my husband and walking on the Quad to church was nostalgic. The last time we did that (prior to admit weekend) was on our wedding day.

5. The way the GSB talks about itself, its goals, its values, and (yes this is corny) what matters most fits me just right. It's aspiring to do great things, and so am I, and somehow I feel like I can contribute more.

So perhaps this is not the most rational and clear-cut of reasoning. It's what I've come up with so far, though, and it comes down to my gut.

Edit: the title of this post is a reference to the admit folder I received as a Stanford undergrad. I still have it. It's a simple light brown folder with words scrawled all the front and back of it. Somewhere in there was "....For all the times you stayed up late to get it right...." then it said something like "we salute/thank/congratulate you." It was a little thing like that personal touch then and a personal touch now that have made me believe that I'm going to the right place--the one that fits me.

I'm all in

2005-04-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

It's weird. I finally made up my mind this week, but have been putting off sending the notice to the school I'm declining. It's like it's hard for me to let go the part of me that still wants to go there and maybe I secretly believe I can attend them both. Maybe I'm mourning the image I had of myself bustling about Chicagoland, wind on my face.

So I guess that means I should've pushed all my chips to the middle of the table and stood up like they do on televised poker tournaments. But I found myself lurking on the forums, talking to people who remain hunched over the green felt and are still very much in the game. Some seem to be wearing shades so that you can't see the truth in their eyes, while others--though their chips appear to be down--are energized by the challenge and seem intent to win the very next hand and walk away with the whole pot. Unlike poker, at the end of the day, it's not winner take all. But it is how you play your hand. Which is, I guess, why it's become a spectator sport: and, to extend the metaphor, why I still lurk on the forums on a daily basis. I'm a sidelined old veteran in less than a year, and a spectator to boot.

Although I will probably continue to hang around the forums, at least I can say that it's done.

The deposit has been sent to Stanford, and I finally let the Kellogg daydream go.

I was all in and out of the game a while ago, but I guess I am just now getting my butt up from the table.

working on it, and finally back to working

2005-04-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

So I'm still working on my decision, but think I'm pretty close.

The good news is that I'm productive at work again! There was a time when I couldn't focus or get anything done. Now I'm getting things done again, though not at the rate I once did. I think part of the challenge is that my job is still relatively new to me and I'm used to working under more tense, pressure-cooker environments. Basically used to the boss at my shoulder and lots of deadlines as my motivation to accomplish things. So it took some getting used to figuring out my own thing.

Anyhow, will check in about my decision soon. Looks like there is some movement from the financial aid offices, so it should be soon.

Oh, I guess one update is that I declined my Haas offer.

how I decide

2005-04-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

So I've come up with a strategy to decide on the action plan for the next two years:

How I decide:
Be honest with myself.
Honor the person I want to be.
Do a lot of quiet thinking about it.
Work hard to keep an open mind.
Do more quiet thinking.

not a waste

2005-04-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I withdrew my application to Yale a coupla weeks ago. It became less feasible over time. I began to doubt my candidacy at some point, partly because the husband couldn't find a job there, and partly because I received positive feedback from other schools more quickly. By the time I received my invitation to interview in New Haven, the feasibility factor had become way low. The timing was also a little iffy because I had to babysit a project at work. So I called and emailed to withdraw my application.

I haven't told my recommenders. The good thing is that they are, for the most part, the same folks who wrote for other schools so there was very little additional work involved. 'cept for one. Maybe I can gloss over it somehow.

coming to grips

2005-03-31T13:05:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to a call from DB with the good news! Stanford had admitted me, and according to the looks of the online package tracking system, the admit binder got delivered this morning, too.

I was quite anxious all day yesterday, and couldn't get any work done from home. So I sat and refreshed the BW forums and called myself to make sure the phone was working. Talked with my manager (only actual work done). And heard news of The Call from all over the world. In a somewhat twisted way, it felt a bit like when they track Santa Claus on the news all day on Christmas Eve. My general happiness for everyone else's good news was balanced only by a growing despair that I might not get a call. And I became more anxious and obsessive than I've been in a long while. It was worse than waiting for The Call on March 17 and tracking Evanston's decision process prior to that on the BW forums. Bad enough that my eyes were bloodshot and I was pretty unbearable to be around. Imagine a ham actor, let's use William Shatner as an example, repeating Hamlet's famous soliloquoy from Act 3, Scene 1. "To be, or not to be..." over and over and over again. Then try to be my husband, in the office trying to do a job search of his own. That's when those vows we took come in most handy.

Then at some rather late point in the day, I got a call from a second year student at Kellogg, congratulating me and offering herself as a resource. And I remembered that I was already truly fortunate and wonderful schools that are a fantastic fit for me had already checked in with their decisions. Wasn't the point, after all, to go to a fantastic school and gather resources that will help me impact the world in a meaningful way? Further inspection revealed that my anxiety was not so much about the decision itself, but about the need for the validation of being accepted.

I hadn't realized that I had gradually become this ugly and petty part of myself. The part that keeps score. The part that wanted my dad to have something to brag about. The part that was rejected from graduate school 6 years ago that now wanted to see the score settled with the University. How ridiculous and small.

So, after that, I closed the BW forum and went about cooking dinner, for once (I had been existing on Henry Weinhard's black cherry creme soda and root beer, sour gummy worms, and s'mores with marshmallows toasted over my electric stovetop), and finally dismantled the tower of dishes in the sink. And I let the dam* thing go. It's a wonderful feeling to let yourself do something dam* else than what you're used to.

This morning, when I called my dad to share the new good news with him, in reply to my comment that my mom wanted me to call him directly so that he would have something to brag about, he chuckled a bit, and said, "I've been bragging all along."

Stanford said YES!

2005-03-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

Short report, I got the call this morning!

primal scream

2005-03-28T17:50:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to the simpler days of undergrad, when sometime around finals week, at the stroke of midnight, we opened our dorm windows or stopped on our way to wherever and screamed at the top of our lungs to relieve stress? Granted, this is not finals week, but for some reason, I do feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. Just for 20 seconds or so.

It's not so much stress as good old-fashioned anxiety. Maybe this is why some people apply to one school only. Multiple decision waiting go-rounds is definitely not fun.

end of the road soon comin'

2005-03-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

It's almost that time--that time being when all the decisions are in and there is just the hard task of making a decision and then making it happen.

I may have mentioned that I've had trouble being productive at work. I guess I have been running so long that I don't know how to go a more measured pace, and then I just stop. But I am again determined to use the technique I learned in Veritas for tackling reading comprehension. Stop, look away for a little while, then begin again with sharper focus. This can be done!

I've been working through the school housing options so far. Haas is just a BART ride away and a 10 minute walk up the hill, so no question marks there. I have heard from current students that it's advisable to get a campus area aparment for the first semester, which I might do. My emphasis, though, has been on the big question mark: investigating the housing options in Evanston. And something called a co-op...? This is definitely new to me, but it seems like it's the popular thing to do up there for apartment living. I can't stand the thought of renting and giving my money away with no equity/equity-equivalent/tax savings. But it does seem fairly complicated. The good news is that we can crash at my folks' place in Chicagoland for a while if the timing doesn't work out as planned.

In loosely related news, I finally made it to the gym the other day. It's amazing how easy it is to get my mind off of school when I'm on the crosstrainer, people watching, looking at the stories on TV, all while reading a travel magazine. My problem this whole time has been not having enough things to multitask about to keep business school thoughts at bay!

Haas said YES!

2005-03-17T21:29:00.000-08:00

Got a call from Pete Johnson! Heard little of what he said, but tried to paid attention even after he said he had GOOD news.

I had a similar experience to what I saw a few others post: he told me a bit about a couple of my positive candidacy points: for example, they liked my enthusiasm and I had a good interview.

Can't believe Haas let me in.

It's weird. When I got the first news, I heard a mixture of Rakim's "Guess Who's Back" and Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack." Now, I can't keep a line from Bobby McFerrin's song "Simple Pleasures" out of my head:

I'm so happy
I'm a happy man
Yes I am
Yes I am

Tick Tock

2005-03-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I'm in the last few hours before the Haas decision is published. It's supposed to come out on Friday, the 18th, but I think that radio silence the day before will give me an early clue. Knowing that only 70% of us from Super Saturday will receive an admit is just a tiny bit nerve-wracking. It means that of the 10 of us sitting at a lunch table, three chairs will become empty.

Perhaps I should make myself a button tomorrow that says "Admit me, I'm Irish." Since my great grandparents were Irish, it would be kind of appropriate.

Kellogg said YES!

2005-03-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

I still can barely believe it. Kellogg said yes!

Yale interview invitation

2005-02-28T11:08:00.000-08:00

The wait's over. Invitation to interview in New Haven has arrived.

Now, maybe I can go back to getting some work done.

a long 30+ days

2005-02-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

Kellogg interview is done, and my status went to complete yesterday after I called to help match my transcript. The interview went well, and the alum was great. Very upbeat about the school, very informative about what a big difference Kellogg is making for her 10 years post-MBA.

I saw that decisions started to trickle out last night, but since my file will just go complete this week after the interview report is turned in today or tomorrow morning, I expect a long wait. Then again, I was talking to this guy I know a while ago. He thought he wrote a masterpiece of an application to Kellogg, had a wonderful interview, and then received a prompt ding less than two weeks later! So maybe this means the review order really is random, and someone might read it next week.

In other news, there is no news from Yale, and I set my official date to worry for tomorrow. All of my credentials are in, though, so I don't have to be concerned about missing something on the status update. Unfortunately, I heard that there's a huge backlog of applications, so I'll have to reset my date to keep hope alive on that front. I feel very fortunate for the interview invitations I have received, so perhaps I should focus on those successes and sit tight 'til March 15.

Money for Business School

2005-02-19T18:42:00.000-08:00

So I went to do a dry run through my FAFSA since I haven't filed taxes yet, and I was struck once again by the dearth of free money available for a business school education.

Cool

2005-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Was looking for inspiration to chill out about the waiting game, and found it:

http://www.westsidestory.com/site/level2/lyrics/cool.html

I love that movie.

Kellogg interview is scheduled for next Wednesday; Haas interview is confirmed. No word from Yale, but am referencing the above link when I am tempted to fret. Since I've internalized the tips to add to my interview repertoire, and now that the first one is out of the way, interview anxiety is much more manageable. As long as I remember that my theme is "truth: the abridged version," I won't psych myself out. Over the years, I really have gotten the best advice from interviewers where the interview did not go well. So all that failure should help me now!

In other news, in my quest to get a life again outside of work, some progress has been made. The application I put in to be a bingo caller was accepted. Oh yeah, who's got the power now? =) I finished two books, and now I'm working on (rather appropriately, I think) Lederman's The God Particle. If only such a thing existed for MBA admissions, the world would be a much simpler place. Alas, no.

Good better best: Interview invite 2 and 3

2005-02-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

"Good better best: never let it rest. Until your good becomes better, and your better best."

So lately I've been working on reconstructing a life outside of work and "the community." I thought burn out was for bankers, VC's, doctors, and other known stress professionals. I guess it can happen to us nonprofit people, too. Somehow, when I "get a life," I immediately lose 5-7 pounds and become more productive at work. This has only happened to me twice, but I think two data points should be enough to support my anecdotal conclusion.

In addition to applying to be a bingo caller at a retirement home<--no word back on this yet, I finally picked up my mother-in-law's book about navigating the public school system to raise academically successful kids. It's been sitting around the house for ages, but I have never managed to make it all the way through. So right now, I'm full of ditties like the above.

It's kinda of neat to have my MIL's childrearing best practices distilled into a book. It'll make it easier to navigate if we ever had kids. I received a damn good public education in Illinois without the benefit of a lot of what's needed to get ahead out here in California, and went to the same university she got her kids into, so sometimes, I tend to be a bit clueless.

Anyhow, back to the subject: I got my Super Saturday invitation today from Haas, and I'm pretty psyched about it. Incidentally, I also got the off-campus mandatory interview invite from Kellogg within 2 hours of Haas', so it looks like the universe is giving me a beautiful afternoon today.

No more me as I am. Better Me will arrive at the interviews with agenda firmly implanted. I will not forget that it is an interview, and not just an interesting conversation with some cool person I just met. I will not take too long to explain. I will not be frank. I will suppress my tendency for wisetiy answers.

It's weird, with the pressure of my first interview off, it's like the mystique is gone and it's all very simple now. Sort of like my GMAT experience, but with less of the huge crushing failure the first time.

How to improve to interview again

2005-02-08T03:33:00.000-08:00

So in my last post I said I thought it went well. Several days later, I still believe it wasn't too bad, but I have definitely taken some points from the last interview to improve on my next one, should I receive another invitation.

First off, I don't think I ever shared with my interview my long-term goal. I'm not quite certain that my short-term goals even came up. I think when I was asked about my passion, I could have used that as an opportunity to get to my goals, but instead I started talking about how much I care about improving the quality of life for those around me.

Second, when asked to choose my strongest point among general management, being a charismatic and evangelical leader, and my professional network, I chose general management! At the time, I think I thought of management as running projects and keeping an organization up and running. That, I can do. After reflection, though, I realize that general management in the more holistic sense is not my strongest suit among the three. Darnit, that's why I want to go back to school -- to get more of that formal management learning, best practices stuff, and less of the hit the ground and go go go and figure it out at some point along the way. My strongest suit is most probably the network of professionals around me and their diverse skill sets and the resources they bring to the work we do together. D'oh! Let's hope it did not do too much damage.

Summary: must remember to stay on task somehow. Mustn't forget that an interview is also a presentation of myself and my case. I think I expected questions to be more linear (let's talk about your past, why MBA, then about your future) and scripted and less like asking me to open my book of life to a specific page and let's talk about what happened in that chapter. Mustn't get bogged down in the chapter and not forget to address the whole plot of the story!

One interview down, hopefully more to go

2005-02-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

I completed one interview today. I think it went well. One thing I wanted to avoid was showing too much of my personality. I don't mean the good part. I mean the too many hand gestures, hold still while I explain it to you stuff. And I think I did. My interviewer started asking me about my motivations for action x, y or z, and I felt the need to passionately explain them to him. Let's hope he thought I just wanted to explain it to him, and not that I was some psycho do gooder with a chip on her shoulder.

No word from any other schools yet.

Something new to obsess about

2005-01-26T14:57:00.000-08:00

A bone has been thrown!

I didn't receive a post-submission email saying my application is complete and confirming the round I'm in, but there are signs of life: today, I got an invitation from Stanford to interview with an alum. No word from anyone else and no other changes in status.

Finally...something new to obsess about.

Among the living again

2005-01-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

This past week was a bit crazy. My husband defended his thesis--7 years and it's almost over!-- on Wednesday so I had to do The Wife thing: shopping for the Perfect Tie and running everything to the cleaners; planning the pre-defense butter-up-the-review-committee-with-food reception. Stanford was due on my birthday the next day; and then there was Kellogg to polish off the week. And to think I thought I might have had time to retake the GMAT on Monday!

Here's a cautionary tale. My DSL went down scant hours after I turned in my Stanford app, but before Kellogg was done. So I called Covad and got some dialup numbers and submitted Kellogg the old skool way (I'm in Silicon Valley, so having to go dialup in this area really is old skool). Only 10 minutes after I submitted my app at almost the last minute, the dialup dropped the call. This is strange because I have had NO drops in DSL service in the last year that I've had it. Needless to say, my dialup is still hooked up as a backup to the DSL, and I've vowed that the Yale app will go in "early," like maybe a day or so.

Book(s) I'm reading: Built to Last (yes, I know I'm late, but it was only last year I read 7 Habits), The World According to Mr. Rogers

Activities I do in spare time: all the stuff I've neglected lately while I pondered "what matters most to me, and why?" like washing clothes, cleaning out fridge, digging up mushroom patch in lawn and collecting fruit from my lemon tree, sunlight.

what matters most, and why do I care?

2005-01-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Me again. I took Friday and Saturday off from the hard self-reflection thinking so I'd have fresh eyes today. I wonder if I'm a horrible person for feeling that the writing process is not energizing, but, rather, ennervating.

This application process is teaching me how it feels to be rusty. I mean rusted out rusty. There was a time when math was second nature and writing 20 pages in a night was a feat, but not an impossible one.

The sort of writing I do for work is nothing compared to the creative, analytical stuff I had to write in high school and college. It's only been five and a half years since I graduated, and for some reason, I find it difficult to write from a place inside of me that cares about the outside world. That place has become a private sanctuary, a haven that I go to when I'm pulling weeds out back or making time to cook a meal from scratch.

Work is public passion. Work is someone else's mission-driven passion. Don't get me wrong -- I like working for a cause I care about. Caring about a cause and working on someone else's mission, though, is an inherited exercise in self-righteousness for the gluttonous. Although $ isn't plentiful in my line of work, I get commended all the time for the work I do, and for the fact that I care about something enough to devote my life's work to it. All the time. On some level, I think folks commend because it's a natural continuation of the conversation. So I've gotten used to being commended, and for appearing to be passionate, and have gotten quite lazy about remembering why I joined in the first place. What did I care about then? What do I care about now?

I think it's OK to want to help. A lot of causes are starved for volunteers, and if you are one, you often get a lot of your commendations up front for just having raised your hand. So one's focus shifts from believing in something, or just being willing to help, to doing the work not only because it needs to be done, but because it is commendable work. In the absence of one's own mission, this feels fine.

But now, when I'm asked what matters most and why, I'm challenged to remember, and to separate my mission from the work I do. Me personally, I care about my family and friends, of course. I care about their psychological well-being, that they're pursuing their dreams, that they're not being taken advantage of. I care about the health of their credit. But then, I care about little stuff that matters to a very few people. I care about how words shape our consciousness and our lot in life: how written history becomes a permanent record and trumps the oral past. I care about making sure my dreams for the future are the right ones, and not just the ones I'm pursuing because I think it's the right thing to do. For me, it's important to live without regret, which I think can be done by always being your own person no matter who you're with and making choices that are good in concert with others and that can stand on their own, too.

Each day is a gift; each sunrise is an opportunity to do something more than you've done, to have permission to do something else than you've done, to figure things out. My philosophy, if it can be called that, is to weigh choices against the fact that you could always be hit by a bus tomorrow, so you should be satisfied that the choices you made today are ones you can live with for the rest of your life, be that life long or short.

MLT MBA Prep: Q&A with a prospective participant

2004-12-29T05:05:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd share some Q and A I had with a recent applicant to the Management Leadership for Tomorrow (MLT) MBA Prep Program.

--

Q1. My biggest concern is regarding the required workshops. I understand that these can be held anywhere throughout the country and may require participants to travel. In your experience, how much time, if any, did you have to take away from work to participate in ML4T workshops or other events? How far in advance are participants given knowledge of the timeframe for these events so they can plan accordingly? I am asking this because I on my current project, a day off is hard to come by and advance planning will be imperative. I am concerned about receiving this information in enough time to arrange to be away from work if necessary.

A1. I generally took one day off work for each workshop, if it was being held far away and at a school I was interested in. It allowed for comfortable travel time and visiting with friends I might have at the school and touring the school. Lucky for me, one of the workshops I attended was held at the University closest to me (Stanford), so I didn't have to take any time off. It's a lot of information to digest at one time, and I know of a lot of other people who took a day off just to recuperate or devote to various application tasks. The attendance times are mandatory, and staff is very strict about enforcing them, so you can 't cut out early or arrive late. I think some folks got kicked out of the program after the first session because they weren't present for the last roll call of the weekend. Visiting schools on your own is a whole other animal, and I would say I took off at least one day for each school. So far, I have visited 5 out of a possible 6 schools. The weekends are already set, I believe, for at least the first mandatory session, so that date's known. I got at least two months notice of the other two, with the dates of the second session being part of the MLT contract I signed in the first part of the year. One promise I had to make in the contract was to clear my weekends for the months in question just in case the dates moved. Those months were June and mid-Sept to mid-October. Life does happen, though, so I was able to attend the alternate workshop in the fall because I was involved in a wedding on the weekend of the workshop for my cohort. There are a very few reasons to not be able to attend a session, and they require physical proof (invitation) of a conflict. That said, it is mandatory to attend three sessions, so there's not flexibility to attend just two. The curriculum is so packed that you would miss a LOT if that were allowed to happen.

Q2. How difficult was it for you to balance work and program requirements? Realistically, how much time should I expect (on a daily/weekly basis) to dedicate to ML4T activities and requirements?

A2. On a weekly basis, maybe 10 hours at the most. Five hours would be about right. I spent about 2-3 hours on the monthly homework assignments. Our coach had additional weekly writing assignments, and I probably spent 2-3 hours (at the high end) on these. The GMAT deadline is a real one, so it's up to you how much time you'll spend on studying for it within the given mandatory timeframe. The homework is less busy work and more checking in on how you're progressing toward and planning for application requirements. The extra writing assignments were well worth it.

Q3. Did you feel there were sufficient opportunities for you to network with other ML4T participants? How valuable were the networking opportunities?

A3. Yes. There are the mandatory three sessions, and then, within the regional cohort, even more opportunities depending on the desires of the group. You also run into other MLT folks at events hosted by the schools. We have a yahoo group, too, which is great since we share information and keep each other on task through the group.

Q4. What was the biggest challenge for you throughout the program?

A4. Being serious about what it would take for me to get the GMAT done. That's a personal challenge, but one that I wouldn't have seen proven\early (July) had it not been for MLT requirements.

Q5. What, in your opinion, is the biggest benefit of participating in ML4T?

A5. Hard to break it down to just one. For me, the biggest benefit has been the coach interaction. Having the expertise of someone who has been there and is interested in my success has been invaluable. Second to that would be the up close and personal contact you get with the admissions staff at top schools. Third would be just being a part of the MLT network. It is a booming organization, and has many powerful partnerships we get access to as part of the program. Having the ability to call someone in the program who is just as involved with the process as I am is also wonderful, since my friends and family can only take so much.

Q6. Do you think ML4T has significantly improved your chances of getting admitted to your school of choice? If so, how?

A6. Yes. See reasons above. I think awareness building is really big. I would have underestimated what was needed to put my best foot forward, and may have missed the mark on a lot of the nuances to the process like relationship management and the importance of a cohesive story in selling my candidacy.

--
Hope this helps, and good luck in the journey ahead,

TMG

Still in GMAT purgatory

2004-12-29T03:33:00.000-08:00

So I talked to ETS again. My scores have been released from the integrity office, only to be caught up now in the place where they actually score the AWA. There's an unfull batch that I have to wait get full before my scores will be sent out.

I had a BHAG of retaking the test again in early January. Somehow, while seeking inspiration for my Stanford Essay A today, I realized that I musta been crazy to think I would/could/should pull it off.

Not only are Stanford and Kellogg due next week (quite essay intensive), but Yale is due the week after. And my husband is doing his oral defense on 1/5, so that's kind of a day where I have to be there for someone else who has been there through all of the above-mentioned GMAT drama.

I remember being very high after retaking the exam. Not so much a wow I rocked the test high, but more of a thank goodness I'm not really an idiot like the test said the first time relief highness. I had a very clear sense of what I did wrong and got all motivated to correct it. Ha! One of the first rules of econ 001, which I failed the first time I took it, was opportunity cost. I just can't risk investing that sort of time that close to the deadlines. Thank goodness for quiet time to procrastinate for showing me the way.

Under administrative review: GMAT again!

2004-12-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

So I got a letter from ETS saying that my last test is under "routine administrative review." What does this mean? I called to find out. Apparently, each time you take the test, the test administrators believe they are getting the best you can do. There's a threshold of the largest score difference that can be reasonably expected. And when you're not within the range, they want to know why.

Don't believe this hype! There's another statement that the average score improvement is 30 points or some such. If I believed that, I wouldn't have written that first one off as a foolish, Red Bull-induced waking nightmare. For some of us, this is the first time we're taking a standardized test on a computer. It has an effect. For some of us, doing the whole test first, then coming back to the hard ones was the way we did well on paper-based tests. That no longer applies. It takes some getting used to.

Rely on your gut that tells you what you can do, and when that feeling is not in line with your test score, debrief and figure out why. I really believe it was this sort of self-assessment that helped me get it right the second time around.

My GMAT story, unfinished

2004-12-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

I can tell you that I had to employ a variety of methods to pass the test the second time. I insist on using the term "pass" because I think the GMAT is testing a lot more than math, english, and writing, and I definitely failed the test the first time. I think it also tests stamina, mental fortitude, decision-making, and confidence. I think it provides an environment for your ego to work against you.

The first time I took it, I used curriculum materials from Manhattan GMAT and did self study. My husband Lynford was a math major, so he helped some on that front. I took the practice exams and was scoring in the average score range for my schools, so I figured that, even though my math wasn't fresh, I still remembered enough from high school to do OK.

What went wrong the first time:

I hadn't taken a full-length practice exam (with essays) prior to taking the test
I knew the material, but I didn't know it COLD, necessarily
I hadn't had enough full-length practice to explore and deal with my weaknesses
I ran behind in both sections, and couldn't recover
I planned for disciplined self study, but didn't
I tried to save money
I thought the test was about math, english, and writing
I didn't know all I should expect (that they would take my analog watch away, that I couldn't use my own pencils, that cameras were watching my every move, etc.)
I took the test at 8:30am, and I'm normally just waking up at that time.
I took the test at the wrong testing center (San Jose).[only after the second time can I say this with a straight face]

So after bombing it the first time, I called Coach, and she told me to write it off and not think about it for the rest of the day. I tried following that advice, and obsessed anyway. Ego in the gutter, I asked my tutor-husband what he thought went wrong. He focused on 2 and 5 above specific to the math section, and searched the internet for ways to get a refresher course going. Couldn't find a class that would fit, so we ordered books, tests, and solutions manuals from the Saxon Math Homeschooling series from 7th grade math through Algebra II. Turns out I had forgotten a whole lot in the last 15 years--a lot of little properties and rules that, taken together, really added up on the GMAT. Since I had bombed both verbal and math sections, I focused on figuring out what went wrong overall. I decided that we needed to shell out some more cash for a private tutor (Manhattan GMAT, $2000-$3000), but the husband disagreed. He thought the time spent with the tutor (15-20 hr) was not enough, and it was very expensive.

We had to get over the expensiveness and leave it open as an option, because I needed the solution that would help me pass, not something picked for its reasonable cost. Being in the nonprofit sector has taught me that sometimes a large part of solving problems is throwing some money at them. We call it "building capacity" and "expanding resources," but it's basically throwing people, who cost money, other resources, which also cost money, or money itself, at the problems. Even strategic planning has an opportunity cost that translates into money.

So I looked into Kaplan and Princeton, and a Manhattan GMAT private tutor for two people since I learn well with other students around me. I also told my story to Kim who handles the scheduling at Manhattan, and she helped me identify 1 and 3 as issues. I was in process of coordinating schedules with one other guy, and then he decided to get a Veritas private tutor instead. I had totally forgotten about Veritas. He said folks in the Business Week forums were recommending the company. A friend of mine who decided not to apply this year had taken a Veritas class, so I talked with her. She had a good experience. Turns out a class was being offered in a month in Palo Alto, and the class time was 42 hours (3 hrs, 2wice a week for 7 weeks) and the same $1,200 as the other classes. While I waited for the class to start, I studied the Saxon math books and took the chapter tests. <--This was major. Even while taking the Veritas class, I continued to go through the Saxon stuff. Relearning 4 years of math is no small task when you haven't seen it for so long, and knowing that you know the material cold helps overcome uncertainty in the test. Veritas has very few bells and whistles, and feels kind of underground, since classes were held in a hotel multipurpose room with a makeshift whiteboard--they were originally scheduled to be held at Stanford GSB. What I got out of the class:

lots, and I do mean tons, of practice problems
helpful teacher who produced crib sheets of each workbook and could speak at length about strategy for each problem and obscure grammar and logic some of us never learned formally
giving and getting help from those around me who were in this to win, too, and had much to share
strategies that worked for me in the reading comp and critical reasoning of the verbal section
a good understanding of what I was missing when I read the problems in math and verbal that previously made me get them wrong
a number to call when I got stuck
CD's full of practice exams for me to do on my own
a sense of how to tell if I was scoring well (what problems in both sections were automatically considered at the high difficulty level)
a breakdown of proportions of certain types of problems (geometry vs. algebra, data sufficiency vs. problem solving)

After the class, the rest was up to me. I had some time between the end of the class and my test to just go through the books and give myself practice exams. At that point, I eliminated a number of my previous challenges, and what remained was to get through whatever in the test was psyching me out.

Part of the problem, which I still think is a problem, is that the practice exams and the books with the problems give you stuff you've seen before. In the math section especially, I felt that during the test I saw a bunch of stuff I had never seen before. <--This is major. The reason why: I was led to believe from the practice I had gotten that what I had seen was what I would see on the test. But they come up with new stuff all the time. And the new stuff is interesting and challenging, just what us MBA hopefuls get excited about, and even though I knew better, I still spent too much time on them and starved more than a few questions at the end that I could have gotten right. The confidence built during the study time is one thing that has to be managed on the test. The decision tree that has to be made: can I do this? yes/no. can I do this quickly enough with accuracy? yes/no. can I afford to invest in doing this? yes/no.

The second time around, I still ended up investing in problems that I probably shouldn't have. This is after my practice tests had told me that, material familiarity aside, my downfall in math was 1-2 six minute questions. This means 1-2 interesting and challenging problems that I wouldn't let go. I had to pay for those 8 minutes I lost on the rest of the section. When I looked up and there was less than a minute a problem left and quite a few more than 7 problems to go (that was my well beyond my pacing guideline), I got a cold feeling at the pit of my stomach--a sort of deja vu. Then, telling myself to stay calm and get through this thing, I got through it. I said that I would have to do better on the verbal because it would need to work to carry my score. When I obsessed during a reading comp passage about the math section, I used a technique I learned in the Veritas workbook: look away from the screen for 5-10 seconds and refocus, then begin again.

Somewhere in there I also talked with an MLTer that passed the test on his 4th try. He has some unique learning challenges, and told me about some of the strategies his tutor helped him employ, like writing AD BCE in a little pyramid for data sufficiency problems, and keeping a journal of what he got wrong, when, and why.

What was important for me to take from the journey so far was the fact that I needed to learn from a variety of diverse sources. I call myself a difficult learner, partly because I can be a bit demanding of and exasperating to some, more inexperienced, teachers. But this time, it was on me to gather what I needed from a wide variety of sources, which is somewhat like collecting eggs in a basket, to get through. Contrary to what most of us has heard about not putting all of your eggs in one basket, this method means investing in yourself with whatever combination of resources (the big three--time, talent, and treasure--and others, too) works for you and helps you pass the test. To name a few of the lessons I put an asterisk by as keys to my relative success that I think are unique to the source in my experience:

Manhattan GMAT materials taught me a foolproof charting strategy for rate and work problems
Saxon books showed me how much I had forgotten, helped me remember why I loved math a long time ago, and gave me some neat divisibility tricks I hadn't seen anywhere else
Reaching out to get help from other people is something only I can do and knowing what definitely may or may not work for me is something only I know (I use definitely because there is a huge gray area in there where I needed to try various methods to get the right one. In this respect, I trust my gut that tells me that I know how I don't learn best. I don't compromise on that.)
GMAT, english and math experts come in many forms and helped me identify and troubleshoot my weaknesses, and some of that advice was free
Veritas methods on the verbal section were right for me; Manhattan GMAT reading comprehension strategies are not right for me
If they have the skill set, people who love you can teach you, but your ego must be left in the car (at the door is still too close)
Going on retreat in the final phases of test study worked for me. I stayed in the room over my sister's garage for 4 days before test week and just did and debriefed on practice tests. Getting away from my life and my SNAIL mail, and my email and my voicemail was very necessary.
Doing yoga stretches and dancing in my living room to my favorite smooth jams CD (which includes D'Angelo and Lauryn Hill Nothing Even Matters) a few hours before the test helped me transition from crunch study thinking to pre-test, "Dead Woman Walking," preparation mode
Going early to the test center to walk by the bay and hang out with the ducks helped me calm my nerves (Oyster Point Center in South San Francisco, evening test can't be beat)
Taking the talismans that bring me comfort with me to the testing center helped me, too. my testing talismans are my tutor-husband and my yellow livestrong band. Somehow being able to chat as I was filling out the forms helped me keep my mind off of the test. And when tutor-hubby left, I brought in my "pocket people" to help me during the test. Pocket people are the mini versions of positive people whose voices coach me through the test. I mentally pull them from my pocket and place them beside the computer screen. These are the people who gave good advice or invested in me, and, to name a few, include our cohort coach, my tutor, my Veritas teacher Cliff, and the small group of folks from my class who were mostly engineers struggling with the verbal and acing the math while I was doing just the opposite. Usually they just hung out with each other to watch the action on the screen, but sometimes they helped me let a problem go and move on, too.
Study discipline is hard when you haven't had it for a while. I needed to understand that it wouldn't happen overnight for me.
There was nothing wrong with going into the test looking like I did in finals week undergrad--pajama pants, several layers (since Bay Area weather changes in a moment), long sleeved shirt (can't let elbows get uncomfortable on table), the most comfortable shoes I own. I saw this one guy have to relinquish his coat and take the test cold, literally.
No surprises is a good thing for me when it comes to standardized CAT exams. This means not being surprised by whatever gets thrown at me. The last time I took the test, I was still surprised by the newness of some of the questions I saw. I thought it wasn't fair that I couldn't show my math tutor that I wasn't, in fact, an idiot, that there was a lot of new stuff. Come to expect that you will see plenty of what you haven't see before, especially in the math, and especially if you're doing halfway OK. Experimental problems are just that, so giving them a shot and moving on if you can't get them is fine.

This seems like a long list, but it has been a trip--a harrowing one. I'm sure I'm making a lot more of this test than was originally intended, and taking far too many life lessons from the experience, but that's my story. This is major-->And it's the only one I've got.

TMG